Biscotti and a Certain Brand of Tea: Oh, How I Loathe Thee

Hillary of Chew on That does a Monthly Mouthful where she asks bloggers near and far to answer a question. January’s question was, “What is the one food everyone else loves that you can’t stand?”. I hemmed…and hawed…and procrastinated, waiting for a wittily articulated response to arise. I answered the question thusly:

“This is a difficult one for me, since I’m not a picky eater. I suppose some might point out the obvious one…meat. But that’s for ideological, environmental, and humane reasons: not simply “I can’t stand it”. Hmmm… suppose I would also say that a lot of people like artificial things when I really prefer the taste of the real thing. No potatoes from a box or other-worldly colored punch for me. Who’s ever heard of a blue raspberry anyway?! Also, I’ve prepared and eaten fava beans fresh from the farm, and they just don’t do it for me. I’ll tolerate them, but I’d rather not have to. So, that’s it.”

Which was fine, until I thought of two, count ’em, TWO things that I can actually rant about. I’m really not a picky eater…except that I insist on eating actual food (more in a later post on the difference between food, and edible substances disguised as food). As a kid, there were lots of things that I didn’t like because of emotional associations, that I have thankfully outgrown.

But, as long as it’s vegetarian, I am fearless about trying any and every food at least once. Even multiple times, to see if I can prove myself wrong. But, after many occasions to change my mind, I just can’t get behind biscotti. Why would I want to eat arguably the hardest substance on earth (after diamonds, of course)?! This barely leavened, twice baked brick masquerading as pastry is designed for longevity, not taste. And frankly…it shows.

Plate of Biscotti

Since I’m not going to make biscotti, photo courtesy of Wikipedia. (photo credit: Stu Spivack)

Biscotti is a wheaty approximation of pumice. A paltry drizzle of chocolate is hardly consolation, when it’s better suited for sanding calluses off your feet. Dunking it in a hot liquid doesn’t get you anywhere either. Oh, the disappointment as you’re forced to suck the muculent slurry off of it’s vestigial stump.

Speaking of hot liquids, this brings me to the second part of my rant: Celestial Seasonings tea. It’s everywhere, and I can’t stand the stuff. Open any American’s tea cupboard and you’ll see Bengal Spice and Lemon Zinger, the ubiquitous teas that are the basis for every other flavor Celestial Seasonings comes up with. They are so heavy handed with their flavors, that even when I give it a couple years and think, “Ya know, I bet they aren’t as bad as I remember”, turns out…they are. At this point, I’d rather savor the delicate minerals in unadorned hot water than get hit over the head again with Celestial’s seasonings.

10 thoughts on “Biscotti and a Certain Brand of Tea: Oh, How I Loathe Thee”

  1. Hello, I couldn’t agree with you more regarding both the Biscotti and the Celestial Seasonings. Biscotti are everywhere and periodically I will try one, thinking I must be missing something. After a bite or two I typically throw it out because to eat it would be a waste of calories and possibly result in a trip to the dentist.

    A while back I tried making my own with lots of fruit and nuts (recipe and photo on my blog). I appreciate that traditionally they are a fat free, low sugar pastry and easy to convert to a lacto-vegetarian recipe. The end result wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. However, with their low sugar content and wholesome ingredients, my dogs enjoyed these “hard biscuits” as treats!

    I enjoy your blog!

  2. LisaRene – Thanks so much for your comment. Yes! Biscotti would make perfect dog treats. I know that there is good stuff in them, especially when there is fruit and nuts, and it’s true, the don’t need eggs, but not ideal for human consumption. I’ll check out your blog when I get the chance.

    Hillary – Thank YOU for including me. I’m happy to participate again.

    TBC – Thanks so much for the link. I found it yesterday, but had already posted this article. Marc and I (after futzing with it for an hour) put up the green badge in the sidebar. I’ll have to brag about it a little 😉 so I’ll put up a post today or tomorrow about it. It’s very exciting. Thanks for lookin’ out for me.

  3. Bee – Glad I have some company in the dislike of biscotti. Thanks! I’m just writing a little post about DMBLGIT now.

  4. hi bri,

    biscotti may taste like rancid melba toast but it is low in fat. perhaps this is why it is so popular with the ironjaws?

    as far as celestial seasonings goes, i think it has a shelf life of fifty years till it mellows. i’m still waiting.

    thanks for the post!

  5. I like the ones packed with cranberries/cherries, chocolate and nuts. I’m with you on the tea though!
    Congratulations on your DMBLGIT win, great photo Bri!

  6. I’m with you…maybe I haven’t had a “good” biscotti, but every one I’ve tried just didn’t do it for me! When I see packages in coffee shops, I always wonder how many years ago they were actually prepared:(

  7. Gigi – Yes! Rancid melba toast! Perfect description. I believe cardboard is low in fat as well, but it doesn’t make me want to eat it 😉 But that could be the allure people have. Thanks for your comment (as always, it’s great to get your take).

    Nic – I always think I’ll like the ones with goodies in them, and they always disappoint me. I’d rather have an oatmeal cookie with fruit and nuts. Thanks for the congrats! I’m quite pleased.

    JEP – Yep, glad I’m not alone. The seem to have an indefinite shelf life, but the nuts in them don’t. Thanks for stopping by.

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